I have a great idea for a horror movie. It is all about this
poor little rich girl whose neglectful father lets her be turned into a house
slave after her mother dies. Then her mother haunts everybody from beyond the
grave, setting in motion a bloody sequence of events. There would be vicious
animal attacks and senseless cruelty and blood. Oh yes, there will be blood.
The movie of course is the "true" story of Cinderella. Here are the story’s highlights:
1) Cinderella's dad isn't dead, he is just a terrible
father. After remarrying, Cinderella's father doesn't die at all. The man
either doesn't have the balls to stand up to his new wife or he really just
doesn't care about his daughter. So he sort of stands by or takes part in his
daughter’s enslavement . Either way he is just terrible.
2) Cinderella doesn't have a Fairy Godmother, she has her
ghost mother looking out for her. The story begins with Cinderella's dying
mother promising to always look after her daughter. Cinderella later plants a
twig on her mother's grave which then grows into a tree. All the little birds
that visit that tree seem to become minions of Cinderella's dead mother and
they all conspire to help her out. Mothers usually don't make the cut in Disney
and I guess a kind of malevolent ghost Mother was a little too much for them.
So Cinderella's Mom gets perma-death (no respawn for her) and a Fairy God
Mother takes her job (minus the bloody vengeance).
3) Cinderella probably wore fur slipper. So you have
probably heard this issue before. It is very likely that the slippers kind of
got lost in translation a bit. It was probably a fur slipper, which makes a
hell of a lot more sense, instead of a glass slipper. Who in their right mind
would walk and dance in glass slipper? I don't care if my Fairy Godmother or
ghost mom gave them to me, glass slippers just sound like a terrible idea. Fur
slippers, on the other hand, sound like they would be cozy.
4) Cinderella's stepsisters butcher their feet in order to
fit into the slipper. When the prince comes to visit and has the sisters try on
the shoe they go to extreme lengths to make it work. One sister cuts of her big
toe and the other cuts of a chunk of her heel. And they would have gotten away
with it too if not for those meddling kids creepy birds controlled by
Cinderella's ghost Mom. Each time the prince rides of with his maimed bride the
little birdies let him in on her bloody little secret. Eventually he gets it
right and whisks Cinderella away. This really does leave me with more questions
than answers. So the Prince doesn't remember any other identifying details
about this woman he is madly in love with? Did he just focus on her feet due to
some sort of fetish? Does she have really weirdly shaped feet and that is why
nobody else could possibly fit her shoe? Wasn't the shoe juts full of lots of
blood when she tried it on due to her sisters' bloody feet?
5) Cinderella's vindictive ghost mother gets a bunch of mean
bird friends to permanently blind her stepsister's at her wedding. When the
stepsisters go to Cinderella's wedding they are both attacked by birds that
peck out their eyes. They live the rest of their lives completely blind.
And they all lived happily ever after?
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Contributing writer: Rainbow S. Coan
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