Movie Review of Troll 2 - Awful vs. Awesome Column

Awesome vs. Awful column 

Two sisters, in a battle of wits, convince you whether or not a movie is awesome or just plain awful.

Movie Review of Troll 2

April says - AWSOME

Sometimes, not every time, a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad movie has the opportunity to rise again like a phoenix from the ash.  Such is the case with Troll 2.  Although this movie was released in 1989 it took years for movie goers to see it for the peculiar gem it truly was.  Yes, I’ll admit it.  This movie is Bad with a capital ‘B.’ In fact, it’s so bad and lowly that it actually defied gravity and was able to rise against our collective will and become ‘good.’

Like witches boiling and brewing horrible ingredients in their cauldron, Troll 2 added the perfect ingredients for a recipe for disaster, which is what makes it a cult classic.  In fact, Troll 2 can be used as a cautionary tale of ‘what not to do’ when directing a movie: hiring bad actors, having Italians writers write an English speaking script, making a movie entirely about ‘goblins’ and then naming it Troll 2…… the list goes on and on.  But that’s what so great about this movie.  It’s so horrible that you can’t look away.  It’s kind of like when you go to the bathroom and you see a giant sized turd in the toilet.  You find yourself being mesmerized and perplexed, and even a little awed at how a turd of that size and enormity could have found its way into your life.  You find yourself so mesmerized that you even show the giant sized turd to all your friends so they too can contemplate this phenomenon.  Well, my friends, that giant sized turd is Troll 2. 

Troll 2 is by far the worst train-wreck of a movie ever made.  And believe me; I have seen a lot of bad movies.  Troll 2 is so bad it has a giant 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  Due to its outstanding awfulness, Troll 2 is highly regarded by movie snobs everywhere (this writer included) as the BEST WORST MOVIE ever made, and has become the darling of cult film enthusiasts nationwide.   Every part of this movie is bad from the plot, the script, the costumes, and the acting; making Troll 2 a joy to watch as it utterly fails you scene after scene.  The truth is, if you’re in on the joke – which is that the joke is on you - this film is unintentionally one of the funniest movies you’ll ever see. 

As a side note, maybe it’s just me, but my inner child can’t help but like Troll 2.  The movie is actually quite charming if you think about it.  The opening is reminiscent of The Princess Bride and the green goo kind of reminds me of the Nickelodeon green slime from my childhood.  With no disrespect to the director, Claudio Gragasso, I imagine Troll 2 is what would happen if I was allowed to direct and produce a horror movie at the ripe young age of 5 years old.  As for the villains, the trolls (goblins, whatever), kudos to them for being vegetarians.  They were activists and environmentalists before their time.

Overall, Troll 2 is all about celebrating badness.  In this world, not everything is good.  Not every movie is amazing.  In fact, most movies are actually bad.  And in the kingdom of bad movies, Troll 2 is the KING of that mountain.   

Rainbow says - AWFUL

"Best worst movie"? Isn't that kind of like being the prettiest turd in the toilet? At the end of the day it’s still just a piece of crap.  Calling this a "B movie" is being far to kind. This movie is much further down the alphabet than "B". Let’s call it an "S Movie", S being for S***. Or maybe a "Z Movie", because my time would have been better spent catching some Zs than watching this epic waste of time.  It is difficult to even really articulate how bad this movie is and I am not sure where to start when cataloging its awfulness. There are plenty of reasons why nobody should ever watch this movie.

 First of all, don't watch this movie if you want to see a movie about trolls.  This movie is not about Trolls! There is not a single damn troll in this entire miserable movie. The movie is actually about Goblins but the people making the movie decided that is was a disgusting piece of refuse so the only way they could possibly get people to see it was by tricking them into thinking it was a sequel to the movie Troll. Troll itself was not a great movie but when you have to trick the audience into seeing your movie by getting them to think they are seeing the sequel to what was already a crap movie, well your movie has to be a real piece of S***.

Don't watch this movie if you like the English language.  Only one person in the entire production crew spoke fluent English.  In fact the writer and director himself only really spoke broken English which doesn't bode well at all. Really the script just seems like it was written by an 11 year old boy. I actually think this movie has the capacity to make people dumber. I felt like years of knowledge about the English language were being sucked out of my brain by Goblins.

Don't watch this movie if you are expecting actors who can actually act. None of these people are actually actors.  They are just people from the surrounding small towns in Utah. Supposedly one of the "actors" was a resident of a mental hospital who was on a day trip. Basically I watched this entire movie thinking that I could do a better job stoned out of my mind and miming all my lines. I am confident that would have been a better movie and use of my time.

Don't watch this movie if you have a life. If this movie accomplished anything it was that it made me question what I am doing with my life. There is something very sad about the fact that I had nothing better to do than watch this horrible movie. The trigger finger was itching above the fast-forward button the entire time and I am amazed at the amount of restraint I showed by sitting through the entire thing. Of course this movie has its uses. I am sure somewhere in the world it has been used in torture or psychological warfare. While watching this movie I couldn't help but think that it is the movie equivalent of water boarding.

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